AH. . . BOO!

This is what Elisabeth calls Jack-O-Lanterns for some reason.  When she sees them she will shout "AH..BOO!"  She can also say her own version of "pumpkin" so I am thinking she bases this name on her Halloween dress.

We attempted to take Elisabeth to the pumpkin patch during Lance's lunch break earlier this week but she wasn't very happy and was scared of the tractors and large crowds of preschool children.  I couldn't get her to smile very much that day but at least her pumpkin get-up will make for some nice scrapbook pages.  She was pretty smiley after we stopped at Baja Fresh for a lunch.  Note to self: Feed the sweet pea BEFORE going to the pumpkin patch.  Better luck next year!

Tonight is our ward Trunk-or-Treat and tomorrow we will be carving pumpkins with some good friends before we take our little lamb to go visit some of our neighbors and friends so they can coo over how adorable she is.  She will even give you an enthusiastic "Baa" if prompted.

Because I am feeling ambitious. . .

My newest smocking project:

Originally, I was planning on doing a red dress but after I saw this pattern, I couldn't resist.  I mean, Elisabeth is still a baby, right?   Babies look better in softer colors.  And she won't be our baby for long so I figure there are many years ahead for me to make red dresses.  The dress is actually a light pink and my final product will have less puffy sleeves and probably a little different lace.  Wish me luck! (Because you all know I don't have anything else to do to fill up my free time!)

I love you always too, Mom.

Yesterday I was straightening out our bookshelf which had become disheveled in the last year in preparation for a baby shower for my dear friend Sam that will be held at my home tomorrow. I came across a book I had forgotten we even owned. The Queen of Cleans Complete Cleaning Guide was a gift to me from my mom soon after I was married. I think it was her way of welcoming me to the "club" of married life, knowing I would need help honing my housekeeping skills that she so desperately tried to instill in me when I was younger. Inside she wrote in her beautiful penmanship that they no longer teach in grade school:

To Kristi
I hope you find many things in here helpful!
Love you always
Mom

After reading this simple phrase, I hugged the book close to my chest with tears rolling down my face. I love you always too, Mom. What a practical gift yet so thoughtful. Thoughtful gifts were her specialty. I inherited my joy of gift giving from her.

I miss my mom with my whole heart every time fall rolls around and I take out my fall decorations. My mom loved each season and always decorated our home for each holiday. I am not sure why fall triggers the aching heart and longing for my mom's company. Maybe it is because I usually bake more and cook more in the fall and it was my mom who taught me how to do both of these things. Baking was our special thing we did together. Every holiday we made something together. Whether it was cupcakes with candy corns on top of decadent icing for Halloween, pies for Thanksgiving, oodles and oodles of goodies at Christmas time, or sugar cookies for Valentine's Day, we always had something we would do together while my dad and brothers were elsewhere.

I remember Christmas time most vividly - falling asleep to the sweet smells of cookies cooking as she stayed up late to finish a batch of something. Every Christmas we had sugar cookies, molasses cookies, "butter balls" (a.k.a. Russian teacakes), cornflake wreaths (my personal favorite), popcorn cake, rosettes, fudge, her famous Heavenly Hash and often a brand new recipe, such as peanut butter blossoms, snowman butter cookies,or spritz cookies. To this day I bake up a storm for every holiday. This is one way I can keep her memory alive. A tradition I can't wait to pass down to Elisabeth. And with Elisabeth's love of food, I am sure she will happily join in the baking fun.

My mom will be gone from this life for five years this coming January. Some days I miss her terribly and I long for her to call me to tell me all about her favorite soap opera, fill me in on the family news, or just to talk about her aches and pains or her newest illness. Lately, I want to talk to her about my struggle to have another baby. She would understand. She would tell me to "SLOW DOWN" and scold me for being too busy. And then, after I would start crying, being that I always have had sensitive feelings, she would tell me how much she loved me and how sorry she was that I was hurting.

 My mom and dad at my wedding reception in 2002.

I love you always too, Mom. I miss you forever and can't wait to see you again. I could use one of your squishy hugs every now and then.

12.5

That is how many pounds I have to lose before I am at my goal weight and how many weeks I have to do it. I lost 2.5 lbs last week, so I feel like I am on my way!

My mission: Lose 12.5 lbs before Christmas and keep it off.

Mission Checklist:
- Exercise at the gym for 60 minutes, three days a week
- Keep a food journal of everything I eat
- Eat sweets very sparingly. Which means I can't keep any in the house.
- Attend Weight Watchers meetings every week. I love WW. It really works!
- Take Elisabeth and the dog for a walk every day.

Wish me luck!

The Journey that Never Ends

"Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan. I just wish I'd realized at the time, he was talking about MY life."

  -Lucy (played by Sandra Bullock) in While You Were Sleeping
* * * * * * * * *

I tend not to bear my heart and soul on this blog.  Mainly, I get uncomfortable when others are extremely open with their feelings online so I figure I better keep mine in check as to not inflict the same awkwardness on others.  However, I figure I can let things out once in awhile.  This is who I am, after all. 

Trials.  We all have them.  We all struggle from time to time.  Death, sickness, unemployment, divorce. 

My biggest trial is infertility.  I thought the day I gave birth to Elisabeth that this trial was officially over.  The years of losing babies, expensive infertility treatments, tests and secretly disliking any woman who could get pregnant on their own were over.  I was happy to put those dark years behind me and be grateful for the wonderful blessing I now have running through my house, drinking out of the dog dish and saying "No" even when she means yes. 

Boy, was I ever wrong.  Little did I know after you have one child, you are now graduated to the secondary infertility club.  One miscarriage and another failed treatment proves this realization. Elisabeth wasn't the end to my problems having children. She was just a blessed peak in a reproductive life filled with valleys.  I have quite a few friends who can't or never were able to have children.  I feel so blessed to have the sweet girl I have now.  So why the frustration?

I still occasionally grieve for the sweet, naive dreams I had as a newly wed of our six (yes, I wanted six children.) equally spaced children filling our home with happiness.  With the rates of IVF and my age slowly creeping past 30, I doubt there will ever be six.  I am not even 100% sure there will be more than one.  Isn't that silly?  Grieving for a dream?  Maybe so.  Yet, it is who I am.

One thing is for sure.  God has a plan for me.  I know this with a surety.  Will Elisabeth ever have another sibling?  I am sure she will.  If treatments don't work, adoption is definitely an option.  I pray ever day that I can  BE STILL and know God is in charge of my life. Just bare with me as we continue on this infertility journey that never ends. . . Some days are hard.  Others are better.  Yet is is never easy.


Graduate school is my saving grace right now.  If I can't be the old woman who lives in a shoe, getting an education in something that I am passionate about is a wonderful alternative.  Maybe what I was meant to do all along.

Enough of making myself vunerable.  Stay tuned for cute videos and ramblings about the life of a mother/graduate student/wife/dog owner.

Livin' on a Prayer

Lance likes to make me CDs with "cool" music on them. There is one he made a few months ago in my car that I listen to almost every day. These eclectic CDs include an varied mix - for example The Beach Boys, Jason Mraz, The Mormon Tabernacle choir, The Red Hot Chili Peppers and Harry Conick Jr. are all on this particular CD. I often skip over songs of which I am not fond or not really in the mood to hear- such as Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer.

Today I skipped to the next track when I heard the first strains of Livin' on a Prayer. Elisabeth started to freak out - waving her hands and saying "no, no, no."

Me: What? Do you want to listen to the song?

Elisabeth: (nods her head "yes.")

I turned back to the Bon Jovi song and my baby girl proceeded to ROCK OUT to this song. She even sang along to the "Whoa...Whoa. . Livin' on prayer" part as she rocked back and forth in her car seat and then nodded her head in time to the song. I wish I wasn't driving and had my camera.

I decided I need to make my own CD so I can persuade her to give up this odd obsession with 80s music. One 80s music lover in the family is all I can take.

Of Beagles and Babies

I love our dog. . . I love how she snores in her sleep, has a need to be in the same room with one of us at all times, plays tug of war with Elisabeth, and sighs when she is displeased with something. She is the most loving and adoring dog I have ever met.

But, there are times when I dislike our dog. I dislike how she digs after the mole in our backyard, creating her own little irrigation ditch. I dislike how she constantly is jumping up to the counter or Elisbeth's highchair to steal food. I dislike how she has a need to bury things in the back yard, dig them up a month or so later, and then hide them in any blanket she can find.

Tonight I have decided I definitely dislike her as much as I love her. I was sitting in the comfy rocking chair in my bedroom, reading Elisabeth her bedtime stories, when in runs our dog, desperate to get on our bed. After four struggling attempts to make the jump from our floor to the bed, Sofi finally makes it. She then heads straight our pillows, which I notice are stacked on top of each other as to form a tent like structure. Sofi begins to pull each layer of this tent off with her teeth until she uncovers what is obviously her treasure.

Great. She brought in some filthy, mud-laden bone from the backyard and buried it under my pillows. I was pretty sure I was going to kill her. Not wanting interrupt the bedtime routine, I make an attempt to ignore my dog nosing around for her goody. However, I noticed that the dog is not grabbing a bone and scampering away, like usual. Instead, she is going in, taking a bite of something very chewy and coming up for air. Images of the grossest thing imaginable (like some feces from the backyard that we forgot to pick up) race through my mind and I decide I have to intervene. As soon as I stand up to go see what is happening, Sofi lunges for the rest of whatever it is and bolts. There, in her mouth, is something at least a foot long. From where I stood, it looked like a huge piece of fungus or a piece of rotting wood from a fence. Of course I am not fast enough to catch the little scoundrel but after some investigation, discover my bed smells like wet yeast.

Then it dawns on me - The loaf of lingonberry bread my friends delivered yesterday was suspiciously missing from the MIDDLE of my dining room table. Yes, folks. Sometime between 4- 7:00 p.m. tonight, my dog jumped on the table, found the bread, ripped the ziplock bag off the bread and buried it under my pillows and sheets for safekeeping. Gotta love this dog.

So, after putting an exhausted baby to bed, changing my sheets, finding the dog and scolding her loud enough so my neighbors could hear, and putting off my homework to write this blog post, I decided I could give this dog away for a week. Maybe even a month.

Only her baby sister loves her too much. I can't imagine how Elisabeth would get through her days without having her pup to pet and love. And, if I dig down into my heart, I realize I feel the same.

Sofi - you are one spoiled and lucky dog.

Elisabeth giving Sofi "loves."