I look back at all of the trials we have had and smile at how easy they have been compared to this newest burden we must carry. I know this isn't the last load we will have in our lives but this has so far been the heaviest. It's not even the daily worry and care that goes into the daily tasks of having a diabetic that make it so heavy. I give shots better than any nurse and my 7 year old can prick her finger and check her blood glucose like a pro. What gives me the most worry is how the symptoms of low and high blood sugars alter her emotions and effect her schoolwork. How her once confident self is withdrawn, shy and timid. And more importantly, how her sweet spirit tries to come to grips with a disease that will never be cured. I often cry myself to sleep the nights she wishes she could be born again and that this trial was not hers to bear. Maybe I cry because I feel we are all alone in this fight. No family near and the family far are rightfully enveloped in their own lives. (I do need to make note that my brother took his Spring Break to come help us and a sister-in-law that offered to come as well. I will never forget his sacrifice.) This is the stage of a trial when your true self is proved. At the beginning, people shower you with love and support. But then time waxes and the support slowly wanes. Naturally, people forget. People move on. And then you have to pull yourself up and decide whether you are going to forge on or let it break you. A trial of your faith. A true reliance on the atonement of the Savior.
We have been very positive with her about her diagnosis and we work hard on building her up. I hope I can disguise the anguish and anxiety I feel insdie for her. She will live a long, beautiful, healthy life that will be filled with adventures and blessings. I am just so ill-equipped to help her confidently realize these dreams as I need so much help with my own state of mind.
Top all of this off with a 5 year old who has behavior issues of his own (which could be a post in itself) and two other babies who need lots of attention and love. I joke that we are barely keeping our head above water but that is such an accurate description of our lives.
I guess I wanted to just keep all of these struggles private which was why I stopped blogging. It was my way to protect my children from the outside world knowing the demons we are fighting in our home. It was a way for me to prove to everyone that I am capable and can handle things. Insomnia tonight induced the thought that I needed to document my struggle.
Now before anyone reading this feels the need for an intervention - know we will be ok. The words of one of my favorite hymns run through my mind constantly. This is why I know, despite the heartache and heaviness, we will be ok.
Who am I to judge another,
when I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
sorrow that the eye can't see
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee