 |
| Birthday celebration at Benihana. Love sharing a birthday month with my baby girl! |
Reflecting upon my life and where I am now, I struggle with the concept of belonging. There are two things I know for sure:
1. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The Gospel is true and membership in this church has brought me peace, joy and comfort. I may have confusion in my life but my beliefs always ring true and provide me a foundation I can trust.
2. I belong at home with my children. I know this without a doubt. They need me home and I need to be home with them.
The struggle lies in #2. I am not exceptionally good at being a mom or a homemaker. My mother-in-law is appalled at my laundering skills (As she should be. It's never done. EVER.) No matter how hard I try the clutter is always there and there is always something that needs to be cleaned. I LOVE going out to eat and am not a huge fan of cooking. I am amazing at organizing things but can't seem to keep anything in my house organized. I want to spend time quality time with my children but life just gets in the way. (If I had a dime for every time I heard "You NEVER play with us mom!") And let's not even address the loss of temper and yelling. I see so many articles floating around on Facebook about parenting - face your kids backwards in their carseat until they are four, you should wear your kids until they are preschoolers, stay away from GMOs, never yell at them, validate their feelings, don't put them in timeouts alone - that I have just stopped reading them because I don't need another thing to feel guilty or overwhelmed about. Ignorance is bliss. Bottom line - I know I belong at home but am struggling to find peace with not excelling and doing well at my current profession. I am used to doing well and excelling at anything I put my mind to in life.
I am an exceptional instructional designer, project manager and educator. But I don't belong at work anymore.
I am a great leader and have really enjoyed being a leader of a non-profit organization. But I can't stay on top of my home life much less add another thing.
So I struggle at 35 to find peace in the roles I know are meant for me. I struggle to scrap the high expectations I have always had of myself and accept a realistic standard. Overachieving moms out there - How do you that?
Maybe it lies in celebrating my strengths in my home life and having a sense of humor about the rest.
1. I am good at celebrating holidays and making traditions for my kids. Some bloggers have written verbose blog posts AGAINST how I celebrate holidays but who cares. It brings me and my kids happiness. So there. Santa is real. The tooth fairy brings sparkly dollars. The leprechauns come and wreck havoc on my home. And I do it so very well.
2. I am an AWESOME baker. Ask my Sunday School class.
3. I am good at remembering others and doing small acts of kindness for them. My kids are the same and it makes me proud.
4. I take my kids to the library and read to them each individually every day.
5. I love my children unconditionally and they know that it is ok to make mistakes. We practice loving and forgiving each other and applying the atonement in our lives. Daily.
6. We read the scriptures and pray together as a family every day. Followed by family hug and family kiss.
Seriously Kristie, you spoke exactly how I feel so much of the time. As I now sit wasting time at the computer instead of being productive as I should be... I tried to explain it to Brian one time: how you go from being praised and knowing that you are good in your profession, sports, and being a friend, to feeling like you are constantly failing. To never feel like you spend enough time with your kids, fix elaborate and tasty meals, keep things cleaned or organized enough, be a good wife...and the worst is feeling like you aren't nurturing or teaching your children all that they need to know to be happy, independent and faithful people. And yet, I love being at home with my kids. I couldn't imagine dropping them off for someone else to raise while I went to work. Or even inviting someone in our home to take care of them while I was gone. As much as I feel like I fail at so much of this mothering thing, I know that I can do it best. And it is the same with you. You are the best for your kids, even if you lose your temper some times, don't keep clean clothes in their drawer, or fix perfectly balanced meals. You love your kids, and they know that, without a doubt. I try to remember that Satan works hardest on tearing families apart; and I think that's why us moms feel so bad about ourselves. We have the biggest and most important job, and I don't think there is a single one of us who can do it completely perfectly. So, we do our best and pick up and move one when we've had a bad day and try to make the next one better. I read an awesome article once, that helped me to feel good about even the few things that I felt I was doing right. Here is the link:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/
Read it and realize that there are tons of drops of awesome that you do for your kids every day that can never be taken away. I love you Kristie! Hang in there and know that so many of us feel the same exact way. You are not alone!
I think you're great :)
ReplyDeleteIn some ways, I know exactly how you feel. I suck at being a stay-at-home mom. I hate cooking, and I'd rather not make a mess than clean (although the other two people in my house are quite fond of making messes). I only occasionally settle in to play, and I half-heartedly read whatever books are brought to me.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I am not a stay-at-home mom by choice. In fact, I never refer to myself as one. I prefer to be called "unemployed." I spend much of my time trying to find a legal job that doesn't require legal experience or a different job that my status as an attorney doesn't overqualify me for. Because of my year and a half of job-hunting, I feel like a failure on both fronts.
I feel like it would be easier if I could just give up job-hunting and work on developing wife and mom skills, but finances compel me to keep searching. Meanwhile, I fear that when I actually find a job, and feel some measure of success therein, my home will completely fall apart.
I feel like as long as your kids are happy, Kristie, you are doing a great job. And at least you know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. And the only mom guilt-trip worse than Facebook is Pinterest.
Katrina K. Doran
I embroidered a picture of a young mother rocking her baby when my kids were young. The poem that went with it went like this...
ReplyDeleteCleaning and Scrubbing can wait till tomorrow, for babies grow up, I've learned to my sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs and dust, go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
The kiddos won't remember the messy house, but they will remember having a good time with their best friend who they cal MOMMY! Rock on Kristi!
I stumbled upon your blog happinstancily and just want to say - Amen, amen and amen!
ReplyDeleteI feel much the same way most days and just have to remind myself that my kids won't remember whether everything was always clean and tidy. They won't remember if I didn't wipe off their dirty handprints from the walls. They will remember feeling loved. Or least that's my hope :)
Keep on keeping on, sister!