(of a graduate student, mother, wife, and woman going through secondary infertility)
I had one of those days.
I woke up, got Elisabeth ready to go to the babysitters and then decided to run an quick errand or two while she was away. (Though I should be writing my thesis or doing my internship.) I got to Babies R Us, intending to buy a booster seat so she can start to sit at the table with us, and found out it didn't open until 9:30 a.m.
With 10 minutes to waste, I listened to NPR and their commentary on MA election results, checked my email and tried to get a few minutes of shut-eye, the whole time wishing I would have taken time to change out of my pajama top, find my own jeans instead of my husbands' and put on a little make-up. I think I have let myself go. Just a little.
9:30 a.m. hit and I joined the line of people waiting to be let into the store in the rain. (Seriously, folks. Who waits in line to get into Babies R Us on a Wednesday morning???)
And then it started.
I saw at least ten happy pregnant women shopping for their awaited miracles. I saw racks and racks of tiny baby clothes that Elisabeth can never fit into again. I saw a happy mother with four young children and a round belly selecting a new carseat. I tried to ignore all of this as I focused on getting my TODDLER a big-girl booster seat. And then it hit me. My baby is no longer a baby and I don't know if I will ever be able to visit Babies R Us as an expectant mother or a mother of a small babe again. I held back tears as I rushed to the check out.
9:36 a.m. I was back into my car. By this time, the pity had turned into anger and I drove home, fuming at my (and some of my friends) lot in life. For a second, I hated every woman I saw in that store and every woman who could get pregnant. I was mad. Mad, mad, mad.
9:45 a.m. I walk back into my kitchen and decide I need some spiritual help. I mean, what Christian woman hates her friends, sister-in-laws, and cousins for getting pregnant? I decide to check out some Mormon Messages. I watched this. And then this.
10 a.m. I am sobbing uncontrollably. I am crying for babies I lost. The babyhood of Elisabeth I can never get back. The fear of never having children again. For my friends who still have not been able to have children. I watch the videos over and over again.
10:15 a.m. I am reminded of the message I knew as a young child. Yes, Jesus Love Me. Life can go on. I can hope. God hears my prayers.
10:17 a.m. I start working on the first chapter for my graduate thesis.
12:00 p.m. I fall asleep to the sound of the rain, exhausted from my breakdown.
Sometimes it is hard to see that there is a Plan for ourselves, much bigger than our understanding.
Sometimes, admist being strong and hopeful, it is okay to cry.
Sometimes, and just sometimes, is it okay to be mad.
That is my theory. And I am sticking to it.
Stream of consciousness from a MN-born, SoCal-living, infertility-surviving, beagle-loving, baby-snuggling, Latter-day Saint believing, patent lawyer hubbie-adoring, opinion-sharing, goal-making woman.
It is okay to cry and be mad! It is really hard and it just plain sucks sometimes! PS...You never posted your family pictures, I have been dying to see them!
ReplyDeleteTake Care! We all have those days.
I love you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kristi! I'm crying for you. I've had some very similar days lately (though for different reasons), and I've shocked myself with how angry I can feel towards people I love. It's so frustrating! But then, as usual, someone waltzes into my day and somehow (I usually have no idea how) they make everything better. So I guess what I'm saying is this -- it's okay to feel mad and upset, but watch out for those angels sent to you to comfort you.
ReplyDeleteOh my sweet Aunt Kristi. I hope and pray for you every night to be blessed with having another child. It is okay to cry and remember to be thankful for what you do have. You have a wonderful husband, a beautiful beaming little girl and a good life. I wish that I could be there to hug you and tell you that everything will be okay. I love you so much and hope that 2010 will bring you much happiness instead of sadness and woe. I love you and be strong. Please, please call me.
ReplyDeleteThe emotions you are going through are very real and VALID. I am most impressed with your determination to turn things around, to remember, and to go to work-hugs, kps
ReplyDeleteI think that you are awesome! You have every right to be sad and mad. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for you and he loves you. You have been blessed with such a sweet adorable girl and the opportunity to realize how great of a blessing she is. I am thankful that I never struggled with those things but sometimes I wish that I had a more time to spend with each child. You are amazing!!!!
ReplyDeleteWe all need a good cry sometimes. I'm glad I'm not the only one that has meltdowns sometimes.
ReplyDeleteLove ya! You are awesome.
I love you Christy. Thanks for being so honest in this post. It's nice to know that other people get angry and then cry and then find a way back to peace. It's like some days I have. I also love that you admit you what you are wearing. I often look like a homeless person when I go out in the morning. So thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou have described the many feelings I have had...and still have after losing 5 little ones. It just doesn't seem fair. I must say that I have been blessed with the best little boy I could have ever wished for though...and it is so sad to think we will never fill our crib again or get to see all those little clothes worn again. I still haven't had the heart to give them away yet. Sometimes I am mad at myself for hanging on...
ReplyDelete