Heavy

I abandoned this blog soon after Elisabeth was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  Life with four children is beyond busy but adding her diagnosis and our new life on top of it has ushered me into a new stage in my life.   One where I am older and wiser and call desperately on the Lord to help me each minute of each day.  I think suffering does that to us.  Refines us into the depth of humility.

I look back at all of the trials we have had and smile at how easy they have been compared to this newest burden we must carry.  I know this isn't the last load we will have in our lives but this has so far been the heaviest.  It's not even the daily worry and care that goes into the daily tasks of having a diabetic that make it so heavy.  I give shots better than any nurse and my 7 year old can prick her finger and check her blood glucose like a pro.  What gives me the most worry is how the symptoms of low and high blood sugars alter her emotions and effect her schoolwork.  How her once confident self is withdrawn, shy and timid.  And more importantly, how her sweet spirit tries to come to grips with a disease that will never be cured.  I often cry myself to sleep the nights she wishes she could be born again and that this trial was not hers to bear.  Maybe I cry because I feel we are all alone in this fight.  No family near and the family far are rightfully enveloped in their own lives. (I do need to make note that my brother took his Spring Break to come help us and a sister-in-law that offered to come as well.  I will never forget his sacrifice.)  This is the stage of a trial when your true self is proved.  At the beginning, people shower you with love and support.  But then time waxes and the support slowly wanes.  Naturally, people forget.  People move on.  And then you have to pull yourself up and decide whether you are going to forge on or let it break you.  A trial of your faith.  A true reliance on the atonement of the Savior.

We have been very positive with her about her diagnosis and we work hard on building her up.  I hope I can disguise the anguish and anxiety I feel insdie for her.  She will live a long, beautiful, healthy life that will be filled with adventures and blessings.  I am just so ill-equipped to help her confidently realize these dreams as I need so much help with my own state of mind.

Top all of this off with a 5 year old who has behavior issues of his own (which could be a post in itself) and two other babies who need lots of attention and love.  I joke that we are barely keeping our head above water but that is such an accurate description of our lives.

I guess I wanted to just keep all of these struggles private which was why I stopped blogging.  It was my way to protect my children from the outside world knowing the demons we are fighting in our home.  It was a way for me to prove to everyone that I am capable and can handle things.  Insomnia tonight induced the thought that I needed to document my struggle. 

Now before anyone reading this feels the need for an intervention - know we will be ok.  The words of one of my favorite hymns run through my mind constantly.  This is why I know, despite the heartache and heaviness,  we will be ok.

Savior, may I learn to love thee,

Walk the path that thou hast shown,

Pause to help and lift another,

Finding strength beyond my own.

Savior, may I learn to love thee

Lord, I would follow thee

Who am I to judge another, 

when I walk imperfectly?

In the quiet heart is hidden 

sorrow that the eye can't see

Who am I to judge another?   

Lord, I would follow thee   

FAQs about Elisabeth's Diagnosis

Elisabeth after she had been treated for Diabetes.
 Love to see her smile again.

Almost everyone has asked the same questions over and over again about Elisabeth and her diagnosis with Type 1 Diabetes.  I figured it would be easiest to write a blog post about it.  Possibly because it will be a little therapeutic to write it down.  I will warn you I am pretty exhausted so my grammar may be off.

With what was Elisabeth diagnosed?  Type 1 Diabetes.

What is Type 1 Diabetes?  There are two types of diabetes - The more common one, Type 2 is where your body is insulin resistant and usually happens later in life.  Type 2 is very hereditary and is often a result of lifestyle or other health complications such as high blood pressure.  You can often control the effects  of Type 2 with diet and exercise.   Type 1 is where your body stops producing insulin and you are dependent on taking insulin in order for your body to be able to process the glucose in your blood.  I like the explanation on the Mayo Clinic website the best.  It is a plain and simple way to describe what is happening in her body.

Can Type 1 Diabetes be prevented?  No.  There is nothing we/she did or didn't do that caused her to develop this disease.  It was not that she ate too much sugar.  (a common misconception.)  The researchers are not 100% sure what causes Type 1 Diabetes.  They do know that it is a genetic disease and that it is most likely triggered by a virus.  A predisposition to develop Type 1 diabetes is passed through generations in families, but the inheritance pattern is unknown.  

What is her treatment regimen?  She must find a balance between insulin injections, eating a healthy, carb controlled diet and exercise.  She receives 2-3 shots of insulin a day and must check her blood sugars with a finger prick/blood glucose monitor before every meal and bed every day.  Her diet is limited to 45 carbs a meal and 15 carbs a snack.  Sweets are limited to special occasions.

How did you know to take her into the doctor?  Ever since Henry was born she hasn't been herself.  She has been very sad, whiny and always said she was too tired to do the things we asked.  She started to not make it to the bathroom at night and was constantly hungry.  We thought all of her behaviors could be explained by an adjustment to a new baby brother.  Then she started to really lose weight.  I thought at first she was just going through a growth spurt and thinning out.  Which could explain why she was eating constantly.  When her eyes started to look really sunken in, she seemed very depressed and Lance had to carry her to school on Friday, March 20th, I began to worry.  My friend Mara called to chat on that Friday and I  voiced my concerns with her.  The clue that tipped me off to possible diabetes was that my friend Mara said that Elisabeth had drank a half a case a water the week before when Elisabeth had spent the night. (That's a whole lot of water for being there less than 24 hrs!  She would get her own water at home so I never noticed.)  All the other indications that we had thought could be explained by other reasons now all made sense.  I remembered a little girl that was neighbors to my girl scout troop leader years ago was diagnosed with diabetes and the symptom she had was that she was thirsty all the time. I called the pediatrician immediately and set up an appointment. 

Side note:  I am forever grateful that my friend Mara was inspired to call me that Friday and that I remembered a story of a girl I only met once when I was 8 years old.  Both of these tender mercies remind me that our Father in Heaven is aware of all of us.

How long will she have this disease?  Her whole life.

Is there a cure out there for Type 1 Diabetes?  NO.  I write that in all caps because I can't tell you how many people have told us they read on the internet somewhere or know of a homeopathic doctor that can cure her of this chronic, life-long disease if we alter her diet or try some herbal remedies.   I realize all of those comments from others are made out of love and concern.  Here is what we have learned:

Type 1 Diabetes is very different than Type 2 (which in some cases can be controlled with a diet & exercise)  It is an autoimmune disease.  For some reason, her body sees the cells that produce insulin in her pancreas as foreign cells and it has been killing off those cells for awhile.  She only has about 10% of her pancreas still producing the cells that create insulin.  No change in her diet will restore the 90% of her pancreas that no longer produces the insulin.  No herbal remedy will stop her body from attacking the cells that produce insulin and it is only a matter of time before the last 10% of her pancreas will no longer produce insulin.  We have done our own extensive research and trust the scientifically-based research that has been published in peer-reviewed journals along with the health professionals who have devoted their lives to researching, treating and trying to find a cure for this disease.  Of course we pray that there will be a cure to this disease within her lifetime but are now focusing on learning how to treat her and help her life a normal, happy life.

How long was she in the hospital?  Five days.  She was admitted to ICU on Friday, March 20th for DKA (Diabetic Ketoacidosis).  She was a very sick little girl but luckily was moved down to the regular floor about 24 hours later.  The rest of the time in the hospital was to stabilize her blood sugar and to educate all of us on how to live life now.

Elisabeth the day she was admitted to the hospital.  

Can she eat sugar now?  Yes.  Within moderation.  She can still participate in birthday parties, Easter egg hunts, etc.  We just have to monitor her blood sugars and give her insulin if she wants to eat more than her allotted carbs.  The biggest blessing is that our whole family will be healthier because of this.

What kind of life will she have?  Honestly, a normal one.  People with diabetes who manage it well live long, normal, healthy & happy lives.  They can do everything anyone else can do besides be a pilot for a commercial airlines or go into the military.  The key is planning ahead.

One week after her diagnosis.
Love this beautiful, brave girl.

How is Elisabeth coping?  We are so proud of our brave little girl who has always hated needles.  (She is my child we have had to pin down when it is time for a vaccinations.)  She is mature and accepted her new life in stride for the most part.  There are good days and bad days, though, as we adjust to our new normal and she is still very young.  There are going to be some hard times ahead emotionally as we continue to adjust and try to figure out how to navigate school, extra curricular activities and normal things that we never had to worry about in the past - like going on play dates over meal times or grocery shopping at Costco.  This is a lifelong learning process for us all.

How are we, as parents, coping?  One. Day. At. A. Time.  Sometimes one hour at a time.  Having a newborn at the same time as this compounds the challenges exponentially.   But we have been blessed by service from so many people.  Plus my brother came out here for a week to support me (which was so necessary and I am so grateful to have him here!!!).  I know God is carrying us through and that we are very blessed to have so many dear friends and family who love us.

Elisabeth is going to be OK.  We are going to be OK.  We are blessed and know we will be better for this trial in our lives.

A Rose by Any Other Name. . . 3rd Edition

Laura Jane - 1 year photos

I have been meaning to write this post since Laura Jane was tiny.  Now 18 months later I am finally getting around to it.  Once again the curse of being the 3rd child becomes evident in my blog posts.

Naming our babies is important to us.  We try to name our children after family members or give them names that have special meaning.  We want their names to be something to which they aspire.  And more importantly, they just have to "feel" right to us.

Laura Jane Beverly is our little one with lots of names.  A handful of family and friends teased us when we told them our chosen name.  Asked us if we were from the South.  Or if were of another ethnic origin who gives multiple names to their children.  It doesn't bother me though, especially considering who she is named after.

Kristi Amundson and Laura Virki-Kosonen

Laura - While serving our mission in Finland, both Lance and I had an opportunity to get to know a member of our church named Laura Viri-Kosonen.  (Pronounced lao-rah).  She is the most Christ-like woman we have ever met.  Generous, kind, spiritual, soft-spoken, and loving.  A dear, dear woman who dedicated her life to the Savior and the kind of woman I aspire to be.  The kind of woman I would love for my Laura Jane to grow up to be.

Jane - As a Jane Austen lover, Jane has always been one of my favorites.  We have an Elisabeth.  Why not a Jane?   Plus I have two friends who named their daughters with two first names - Emma Jane and Sally Jane.  I'm not sure why but these little girls with two names seemed so charming to me.  What convinced Lance, who was resistant to the baby having two names at first, was the meaning of the name Jane. Jane means "God is gracious."  Laura Jane was our first "surprise" miracle baby and is a testament that God is indeed gracious and kind.

Laura Jane meeting Grandma Bev for the first time.

Beverly - Beverly is Lance's mother's name.  Beverly has been an amazing example to him his whole life.  She is hardworking, selfless, unfailingly generous with everything she has, faithful, loving, devoted to her family and has undeniable strength.  We wanted to honor Mother for all she has sacrificed for her children by naming our baby girl after her.  And like Laura Kosonen, we want nothing more than to have Laura Jane emulate her grandmother's strengths as she grows.



Some day Laura may shorten her name.  In the meantime, please don't call her Laura.  It doesn't sound right to us because that isn't her name.  We sometimes call her Laura Janie.  And much of the time "Baby."  But never just Laura.  Laura Jane continues to be such a happy blessing in our lives and is adored by every family member.

NOTE:  You can see the meaning behind Elisabeth's name here.  I was surprised to see I never did one for Carsten.  Oops.  I better get working on that entry as well!!!

Now wait just a minute. . .

This kid cracks us up constantly with his high pitched voice and insights on life.  (When we aren't ready to lose it from how much he picks on his little sister. Those two have the worst rivalry going on.)

His new favorite ways to start a sentence:

- Now wait just a minute. . . 

- Actually. . . 

He is turning into quite the train engineer and almost daily wants me to take a picture of his handy work to send to someone.  At random times he will bring up a certain design with pride.

He is obsessed with Jesus and trying to figure out the secrets of heaven.  I am amazed at how much he does internalize from church and things we say. 

By far the most endearing quality is how he asks for about 10 signs of affection before bed every night.  It started with a snuggle and he has gradually added loves, kiss, hug, sugar, gentle, back scratch, leg rub, Eskimo kiss, bottom tap and bottom pinch to this nightly routine. 

Part of me wants this sweet boy to stay this young lover forever.  And the other part can't wait for him to grow out of the spitting, hitting, gross, pesky stage in which he is.

Oh the dichotomy of parenting a preschooler.

Be your own kind of beautiful

Anyone out there have a constant battle with weight?  I know there are a few of you out there who can relate to me and what I am about to say.  I'm not talking about the tiny little pooch you might have left over after giving birth 6 months ago or the love handles that showed up at 30.  I'm talking about the need to vigilantly watch what you eat constantly or you will pack on 10 lbs in a few weeks.  Those of us who are addicted to food and eat our feelings.  Weight Watchers and I have had an on again and off again relationship for years.  I manage to maintain my weight well usually with a little fluctuation but after having baby #3, I found it hard to lose the weight.  Age, stress?  Who knows.

So imagine how the inner turmoil I am facing now - 25 lbs heavier than I have ever been and pregnant.  I know, I know.  Having a baby is a miracle.  I am grateful for that.  But having to go out and buy new maternity clothes because you can't fit into the ones you wore your last three pregnancies is depressing.  And knowing you are about put on at least another 25 lbs is even more disheartening.   I know how my body works and even if I give up sugar, eat super healthy and exercise 5 days a week, I still pack on the weight.

Add to the discouragement the fact that I have two thin sister-in-laws expecting along with a few friends.  You know the kind who only look pregnant from behind?  Or who lose all of their weight after about 5 months?  It's hard not to compare.

I can already hear the comments for others.
Are you having twins?
You must be having a girl because you are carrying the weight all over!
When are you due?  Soon? (when I'm 25 weeks)

I just decided today while at church that I just have to let it go.  It is what it is.  God made my body a certain way and it knows what to do so it can grow a child and then be able to feed that baby for at least a year afterwards.  This whole journey is quite miraculous - who would have ever guessed I would be having baby #4 and so far my body had done an amazing job at creating life!   Some people are going to make insensitive comments (because they always do) or compare me to other pregnant people  (because that happens naturally.)  But I can't care. What I look like on the outside does not matter.

The number on the scale does not change who I am inside.
It does not make me less beautiful.
It does not minimize the many talents I have.
It does not make me less of a mom, wife, or friend.
It does not have to take away from the true miracle and blessing this baby is in my life.

So pass me the muumuu.  I'm ready to do all in my power to be healthy in my life and just accept whatever size I am.   And enjoy an occasional Dairy Queen blizzard.

No make-up?  Not the most flattering pic of my arms?  No problem. Embracing the moment to take a pic on the first day of school.  

Sweet Surprise

Sweetheart #4 due to arrive Valentine's Day 2015.  Surprised?  So were we!!!

In fact, two weeks before I took the pregnancy test I told Lance that I thought we could be okay with only three kids.   I had just begun to feel like I am getting the hang of the craziness three kids six and under brings.  But, as always, I am reminded yet again that God has a plan that doesn't necessarily fit my own.

I have been more sick around this time and have spend most days barely functioning.  For the first time in my life I had to cancel giving a talk in church because I have been so sick.  I think the fog is beginning to lift, though, and that I am returning back to my normal self.

One thing is for sure - I can safely say our "infertility" is cured after having two "surprise" pregnancies in two years.  We feel very blessed indeed.

Now come the prayers for a healthy baby.  I really feel like I am getting too old for this!!!

Book Worm, 3rd Edition

This baby could read books all day.  I finally weaned her this week.  She has been my hardest baby to wean (thus by far my longest nurser) and I was sure she would protest loudly.  However, she has decided she prefers "bah!" After "bah!" And "no-noak" is no longer needed.  

We all love reading to her.  There is something about the way her eyes light up when we read a book she has chosen or how she knows exactly what book she wants.  The kids flock to her room before naptime/bedtime and clamour to be able to read a book to her.  She tolerates them.  Sometimes.

Every night I spend time reading to each one of my children and I treasure that time with each of them.  Carsten's newest fav is Maybe a Bear Ate It.  Elisabeth jumps back and forth between books she can read, chaper books, and other picture stories.  Laura Jane loves Goodnight Gorilla and Susan Boynton's The Going to Bed book.

Books open up worlds of imagination to my children and allow me to see and experience tender parts of their soul as we snuggle and read together.  

Proud to be a family of bookworms!

From one mother to another

To the moms who were publically criticizing me in Target today:

You know who you are. The two who were scoffing at me as I was trying to deal with the biggest melt down in discount store history.  The ones who commented how you never have seen kids misbehave so badly or how you would have NEVER responded the way I did as I was standing at the end of your aisle. With your older kids standing and observing nonetheless.  The ones that I curtly asked "Do you really not have any compassion for a fellow mother who was obviously struggling at the moment?" before I started sobbing and then dragged my screaming son and baby out of the store, leaving my full cart of unpurchased merchandise at the front of the store.

I just am floored by your rudeness. And lack of understanding and support.  Maybe my child is the worst behaved preschooler that ever entered a store.  And there is no "maybe" about it -  it is a proven fact I am less than perfect with my mothering skills.  But aren't we all?  Isn't parenting one of the most difficult things you have ever done?  Haven't you ever had a moment of pure desperation when you have no idea what to do?  Aren't we all just trying our best? Didn't you have terrible, horrible, no good days?    Aren't all of our kids learning and growing and making mistakes?  Didn't you realize you make mistakes all the time?

There are many things I want to say (lots more telling off and scolding) but the most important is this:  Let's, as mothers, stop criticizing and start supporting each other.  Let's not under estimate how a compassionate glance can ease each other's burdons or a kind comment can ease the heart of a stressed mother in a difficult situation.  Let's keep negative comments and criticism to ourselves.  Let's give each other the benefit of the doubt.  Let's whisper a prayer for each other for strength.  Let's never forget we are all part of the same club, trying our best to love and raise our children.

Please.  I beg of you.  We all could use more helping hands and understanding allies as we strive to do the most important job.  I think teaching our children through our own actions to be compassionate will do more for them in their lives than how we deal with tantrums in Public places.

Thank you,

A frazzled mother just doing the best she can

Picture of Carsten and I after he "worked" out with me this morning.  A sweet moment before the craziness of Target unfolded.

Dear Girl

This 6 year old left her Cinderella doll in a hotel room in Florida by accident.  The hotel graciously sent it to us and she waited every day, checking the mailbox frequently for its arrival. She has not let it out of her sight since it arrived.

Parenting my children is tough. So incredibly hard and overwhelming to me. The thought of having to mold them into good people, raise them in a house of faith, help to stamp out bad behaviors, and just take care of their everyday needs is all consuming.  I never feel adequate enough.  

But then there are these moments, like tonight, when she lays out her dress for her kindergarten program, helps her brother get his jammies on, and makes a bed for her doll and my heart just melts.   I wish I could burn this night into her memory.  Of her helpfulness, pure innocence, and genuine excitement to perform for us and please her teacher - all reflections of the dear girl she is inside.  So she could know, despite my weaknesses, how much I love her and wish that these weaknesses weren't there.  And more importantly, have her realize that her heart is her best part of her.  Nothing else in this world matters to me - not her grades in school, how well she plays sports, nor  her musical talent. It's the sweet girl she is and her desire to follow God.

I purposely am keeping her little as long as I can.  

Girl's Got Skills

15 months old and becoming very talented.

Eats Magnum Doubles like a seasoned pro.  

Figured out how to climb up onto chairs all by herself.

This is my favorite.  Ms. Houdini here learned how to break free of the straps in her high chair and figures the tray is a much better place to eat her pizza.

and the Grand Finale. . . .Started walking on April 1st (14 1/2 months old).  For some reason Blogger won't let me upload the video so you will have to click on the link.

I'm not ready for toddlerhood.  I'm not sure why but I find I am thoroughly enjoying this baby more than my other two and want nothing more than her to stay the baby.  Maybe it is because I am a more seasoned mommy but I just relish each moment with her.   I am not one to rush my children to grow up.  I strive to keep them as sweet and innocent as long as I can.  

 I'm not sure there could be a more perfect little baby girl.  (Which means I need to remember this when she is 14.)  

Thankful for the Ride

I wrote this post in November 2013.  I thought it was well worth posting months later!

******************************

Christmas 2013.  Love the girls in their matching dresses and Carsten with his bloody nose.  

When ever anyone asks how life is with three I almost always instantly reply that having Laura Jane was the "Game Changer" in my life.  Though she is a practically perfect baby, the transition has been and still is a bit rocky. Three kids has been a really, really hard adjustment.

I find it hard to describe in words the drastic change that has occurred in my life.  Every moment is now consumed with the rearing of my children.  Even more than with two.  With two I felt confident in my mothering skills much of the time.  I could work part time.  I volunteered outside of home and church.  Going shopping was possible (not always easy or episode-free but still possible).  I ran races and lost a lot of weight with little effort.  I was able to swap babysitting with the best of them.  With two I felt like an accomplished, capable woman.

With three my confidence has dissipated rapidly.  Going to the store to buy groceries?  Absolutely impossible. Volunteering?  Only at the minimum.  Working?  Can't even fathom doing that right now.  Watching other people's children?  Gives me an anxiety attack just to think about adding another kid to the mix.  And beyond the loss of easiness of the day-to-day tasks I used to take for granted before Laura Jane arrived, I realize my opinions about rearing children have changed.  For example I used to swear I would NEVER carry around my baby in a carseat everywhere.  Babywearing is what is best for the baby.   Or give my baby sugar before her first birthday.  The car seat was my best friend - it kept the baby safe and was so much easier to juggle everything.  And sugar?  I'm sure she had a taste of chocolate cake as soon as she was eating solids.

I won't even delve into how I wonder how I am going to survive the terrible threes with a baby and a kindergartener in the mix.

These challenges have lead me to two stark realizations.

1. My sole purpose in this season of my life is my children.  Most days I am in complete survival mode.  The goal of everything I do is simplification. The every-day phrase my children hear the most is "It's so-and-so's turn.  Your turn is next."  Laundry is the bane of my existence.   Somedays I am not the best mom, friend, or wife in the world.   My dog doesn't always get walked everyday.  My mini-van is so messy I always hope I never park by anyone I know.  But every decision I make and everything I do is to provide them a loving home in which to grow up with parents who not only love them but do all they can to teach them to follow the Savior.  They are my life.

2.  This is just a phase in my life.  Soon my kids will be more independent and need me less.  I will have time to scrapbook, pick up groceries like I don't have a care in the world, and walk my dog after I just spent hours at the gym.  I can devote a lot of my time again to serving others.  The isolation will end and I hope I will look back on these formidable years with fond memories of the tender moments I had with my children and be able to laugh about the even more difficult moments.

The best way to describe how I am feeling is in the words of Gordon B. Hinckley, one of our modern day prophets.

“Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey…delays…sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

This crazy baby loves any thing she can ride on!

What a crazy, hard, yet rewarding ride it is.

Cherish

Today was a normal, busy day filled with school pick ups, making meals, dishes, laundry, naptime, homework, piano practice, working on my Sunday School lesson and the always draining bedtime routines.  As I sat down to unwind tonight, I was overcome with a feeling of contentment and joy.  I think I've finally found my groove as a mom of three little ones.   I find comfort in our daily routine and joy in my babies despite the many challenges and my inadequacies. 

 I've experienced  a few storms in life and have seen them all around me in others lives. Mortality feels more and more real to me with every year. Which is maybe why these calming moments are ones that I cherish.  

Besides- how could you not be blissfully happy spending every day with this little cutie pie?  She radiates joy.  

Belonging

I am THIRTY FIVE this year.  3.5.  Should it feel monumental?   The best thing about 35?  I have three beautiful children and the best hair I have ever had in my life.

Birthday celebration at Benihana.  Love sharing a birthday month with my baby girl!

Reflecting upon my life and where I am now, I struggle with the concept of belonging.  There are two things I know for sure:

1.  I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  The Gospel is true and membership in this church has brought me peace, joy and comfort.  I may have confusion in my life but my beliefs always ring true and provide me a foundation I can trust.  

2.  I belong at home with my children.  I know this without a doubt.  They need me home and I need to be home with them.

The struggle lies in #2.  I am not exceptionally good at being a mom or a homemaker. My mother-in-law is appalled at my laundering skills (As she should be.  It's never done.  EVER.)  No matter how hard I try the clutter is always there and there is always something that needs to be cleaned.  I LOVE going out to eat and am not a huge fan of cooking.   I am amazing at organizing things but can't seem to keep anything in my house organized.  I want to spend time quality time with my children but life just gets in the way. (If I had a dime for every time I heard "You NEVER play with us mom!")  And let's not even address the loss of temper and yelling.  I see so many articles floating around on Facebook about parenting - face your kids backwards in their carseat until they are four, you should wear your kids until they are preschoolers, stay away from GMOs, never yell at them, validate their feelings, don't put them in timeouts alone - that I have just stopped reading them because I don't need another thing to feel guilty or overwhelmed about.  Ignorance is bliss.  Bottom line - I know I belong at home but am struggling to find peace with not excelling and doing well at my current profession.  I am used to doing well and excelling at anything I put my mind to in life.  

I am an exceptional instructional designer, project manager and educator.  But I don't belong at work anymore.

I am a great leader and have really enjoyed being a leader of a non-profit organization.  But I can't stay on top of my home life much less add another thing.

So I struggle at 35 to find peace in the roles I know are meant for me.  I struggle to scrap the high expectations I have always had of myself and accept a realistic standard.  Overachieving moms out there - How do you that?   

Maybe it lies in celebrating my strengths in my home life and having a sense of humor about the rest.

1.  I am good at celebrating holidays and making traditions for my kids.  Some bloggers have written verbose blog posts AGAINST how I celebrate holidays but who cares.  It brings me and my kids happiness.  So there.  Santa is real.  The tooth fairy brings sparkly dollars.  The leprechauns come and wreck havoc on my home.  And I do it so very well.

2.  I am an AWESOME baker.  Ask my Sunday School class.

3.  I am good at remembering others and doing small acts of kindness for them.  My kids are the same and it makes me proud.

4.  I take my kids to the library and read to them each individually every day.  

5.  I love my children unconditionally and they know that it is ok to make mistakes.  We practice loving and forgiving each other and applying the atonement in our lives.  Daily.

6.  We read the scriptures and pray together as a family every day.  Followed by family hug and family kiss.

Hug hug. Kiss kiss.

I have been trying to cherish the good moments that occur in the long hours, days, and weeks of raising three young children - two of which are extremely strong willed.  I know that all too soon they will be grown, their tantrums forgotten, and these small moments treasured.  

Moments like how this one always wants to wear his PJ tops all day long.

Or how he always needs a hug and a kiss before I leave - Even if I am just going to get the mail.

I left tonight to go see a movie with a friend.  I was in a rush to hand off my kids so I didn't remember to give Carsten a proper send off.  As the garage door was closing, my baby boy burst through the door with tears welling in his eyes and a frantic voice pleading "Mommy!  Mommy!  Gimme a kiss and a hug."

He ran back inside with a spring in his step after the requested signs if affection.

I thank

 God for these beautiful moments.

Nine for Nine

This little darling turned nine months the end of October.  Her life has been a blur to me - I love every moment with her but am horrible at documenting it.  

1.  Our super baby.   She is super easy going, super happy and super, super busy.  Not a moment do I set her down then she is off exploring.

2.  Our foodie baby.  True to Smemoe genes, she loves food.  Her little feet kick excitedly as soon as we drop peas on her tray, spoon baby food into her mouth, and give her apple slices to chew on.  So far we have only discovered one thing she doesn't like - grown up oatmeal.  That and antibiotics that she has to take for a horrific ear infection she got this past week.

3.  Our book worm.  Also true to Smemoe fashion, she loves when we read her books.  The touch and feel ones are her favorite.

4.  Our one with few words.  She just learned how to say "mama" and "papa" and babbles with dadadada quite a bit.  She refuses to do baby signs.  Even though it has been at least two months that we have had her do the signs for "more,"  "all done," and "milk."  She just laughs at us as we do them for her.

5.  Our early riser.  She still wakes up for a feeding at 5:00 am every day.  I know I should sleep train her so that she sleeps all night but honestly . . . I don't want to.  I love the snuggle time we have in the wee hours of the morning.

6.  Our tiniest baby.  She is in the 85th percentile for height and only the 50th percentile for weight.  Compared to the 98th percentiles our other kids were in for weight, she is a teeny thing to us.

7.  Our tough baby.  Her brother is rough.  50% of the time when he isn't "gentle-ing" her.  And she puts up with it like a champ.  You can't help but love her even more when she still grins from ear to ear when he comes into the room.  Like she instantly forgives him and can't wait to see him.  She knows it's a phase.

At the Zoomars petting zoo with her brother.  Right before he pushed her off the bench.
Oh the love hate relationship here.

8.  Her mama's twin. Well - almost.  Glad to say that I have one that looks a lot like me.

9.  Our sweet blue-eyed dolly.  Her wide, bright blue eyes are striking and people comment on them where ever we go.

My cup runneth over.  So grateful this blessing and miracle baby came into our home and stole our hearts.

Back to blogging: First day of school

So I took a four month hiatus from the blogosphere.  How embarrassing. This is supposed to be a record of my life and my poor daughter Laura Jane has about four posts about her.  My reason?  My life with three kids.  a.k.a. "The Game Changer" (which is a blog post in itself.)  Suffice it to say I am spending all my energies on raising three little kids and keeping up a home.  I can honestly say working part-time with two children was much easier than not working with three children.  Another post to elaborate on that one later.

So it has arrived.  The milestone of sending my dear babes into the public school system.  I have grown to adore this little love bug and her wisdom, wit, helpfulness and love of life.  Sending her off to be taught by a stranger has been something I have dreaded all summer. 

As I shed a few tears the night before her first day of school she said the following:

"Don't be sad.  I need to go to kindergarten to learn and make friends.  I'll come home for dinner.  You'll be okay Mom." 

How could I not smile when I heard that?  So I sent her off today to early bird kindergarten to one of the best K teachers in the history of our school with a hug, a kiss and a wave.  She beamed at her teacher, excited for her day.  She was ready for this day.  

And I was ready to set her free without shedding a tear.  Especially since she was home back with me well before dinner.

School is a beautiful place to this girl.  So happy to learn.

A doll. . .

and her stuffed animals.  Three months has gone by so quickly.  I am in love with this baby who only wakes once a night, goes to sleep on her own, smiles with her whole face, loves to be held and is my first baby to show major signs of stranger anxiety because she truly is a Mama's girl.

My Nirvana

In the past two weeks my life has gotten busier than normal due to the following things:

• I was giving a new calling at church - teaching Sunday School the 14-15 year old kids every week.
• I am in charge of our ward (congregation) Visiting Teaching Conference on Mother's Day which includes a luncheon for all the women, a lesson on ministering as the Savior did and a musical number.  I get to teach the lesson.
• I was also asked to help teach at a youth event where all the 16-18 year olds at church who want to go on a mission come for a mini "missionary training experience."

One thing you will learn about me (if you didn't know already) is that nothing, save being at home with my family, gives me greater joy than serving in my church.  Especially if it involves teaching.

A close friend told me that church service is my nirvana.  

Nirvana is defined as "an ideal condition of rest, harmony, stability, or joy."

I have to admit that though this weekend is going to be CRAZY, I feel happier than I have for many weeks.  Nothing brings me greater joy than serving others and trying to emulate the Savior.  Probably because when I do, I feel the Spirit and have peace in my life. I have had family members and friends who tell me I do too much with three little ones at home and that I need to not volunteer at church.  I agree with them that I do need to put my family first.  HOWEVER, I need my nirvana (regardless if it adds one more thing to my plate) to balance life out.

Now if I was going to get rid of something this week it would be the laundry.  Boy, do I hate doing laundry.

Long Days, Short Years

After an exceptional rough week last month, my friend texted me the following insight on motherhood:

"The days are long but the years are short."

I'm gonna be brutally honest.    I read blogs lately that highlight how wonderful it is to be a mom.  Post after post about how wonderful their kids are, how blissful life is, blah, blah, blah.  I keep thinking to myself "Let's be REAL here people!"  Am I the only one that has kids that are a little bit naughty and a little bit nice?  Is there something wrong with posting the reality of the challenges of raising them without also recognizing they are wonderful, sweet, lovely blessings from heaven?

Here is my reality.

This happy, adorable, blue-eyed stud has entered the stage that makes me wonder if I want more kids.  I mean he says the cutest things (Like "Mama - She smiled at you!" (meaning the baby smiled at him) and does adorable things like walk his stuffed dog through the mall.  He is very observant of the world around him and belts out the lyrics to Train songs like nobody's business.  He is also exceptionally intelligent.  His vocabulary is extensive and his knowledge of colors and the alphabet quite astounding.

But then there is this side to him.

Yes.  He is about to punch his baby sister here.  Then there is the screaming, picking up the baby by her ankles and dropping her on her head, tantrums and did I mention hurting his baby sister and the constant screaming?  Need I allude to the door slamming, item throwing and breaking of things in our house?

I know it's a stage. I know he is gonna turn out great. I know it will pass.  But man does it try my patience.  And make me a little anxious and a tad down.  Prayer is my only sanity and I spend time locked into my room from the "little Hulk" each day on my knees with the baby on my side to preserve her life. Everyone says it will get easier.  Waiting on that.

I do LOVE being a mom.  I believe the work I do in the home is the greatest work I will do.  Don't get me wrong.  It's just that. . . 

Well the days are long.  And I try to remember the years are short.  Because we never know how many long days or short years we have here on this earth.

The Lowest and Highest Points

The lowest point:

I brought EB to preschool for the first time last week since LJ arrived.  We were late, I was still bra-less in my PJs with bed head, and I didn't have time to hunt down my shoes.  I threw my three kids into the car and off we sped.  I just figured I would pull into the driveway of her preschool and have her run in while I waved from the car window.  My newborn started to cry and I started to lactate immediately, leaving my PJ top soaked in embarrassing locations.  As luck would have it, my dear sweet daughter REFUSED to go into preschool without me.  Flat. Out. Refused.  I figured I could just sneak in and out without being noticed, right?

As if the universe had a cruel sense of humor, two dads who were late themselves met me on my way back to my car.  The tell-tale blush that creeped up on their faces and how quickly they averted their eyes to the ground confirmed my fears that I was truly a mess.  I laughed and cried simultaneously on the drive home.   Probably the lowest point in my life as a mom.

The highest point:

Life has turned upside down for me since this baby arrived and has not always brought out the best in me.  Ok - Let's not sugar coat it.  Three kids are ROCKING my world.  But admist the fog in my brain that consists of a life of chaos, sleepless nights, exhaustion, crying, stress, a messy house, piles of laundry undone, kids fighting, me shouting - you name it - I have moments of clarity when I realize that this is what I was born to do.  Heavenly moments that testify I belong at home, being a mom, and raising a family.  Moments when my sweet baby snuggles into me and looks into my eyes and smiles, acknowledging that I am the most important person in the world to her right now.  Or when my two year old and I go for a walk on a Sunday and I listen to him ask questions about the world around him.  Or when I snuggle up in bed with my four year old for a story and we talk about her dreams for the future.  

I will never be a perfect mom.  I may never have it "all together" again.  My house will probably never be really clean and my laundry will never be done.  I will probably have to work on keeping my temper in check and my patience on hand for the rest of my life.  I will continue to make mistakes on a daily basis.  I am assuming I will have many more low moments like the one described above.  

But I have three beautiful children whom our Father in Heaven sent to me.  I am supposed to be their mother and He trusts me to raise them in a house of faith and a house of love.  Definitely the best and highest point in my life. 

Laura Jane instantly recognized her brother's voice the day she was born.
One truly precious moment.