Dear Mom - It's Been Eight Years

Dear Mom,

Aunt Gwen included a bunch of pictures of you in our Christmas card this year.  Most of them I had already seen but as I was clearing off my counter and looking at them again, I broke down into tears.  You were a beautiful woman and these pictures represent a part of your life that I know little about.  And now you are gone I am unable to ask you about each picture and the memories that go along with them.

I remember all too well the night before you died eight years ago.  I had decided to sleep next to your hospital bed so you didn't have to be alone your last night on earth.  I talked to you, prayed with you, sang hymns to you (mostly in Finnish since I didn't know many hymns in English) and held your hand.  We talked a little.  You nodded to answer some of my questions, sometimes showing you understood what was about to happen and other times showing you weren't entirely aware.  I never left your side once and honestly, those last few hours hours with you were the most precious and sacred of anything I have experienced so far.  When I asked you if I could go the bathroom and leave you alone, you reached for my hand, shook your head no and pleaded with your eyes for me to remain by your side.   I did.  This reminded me of the many times I lay sick with the flu as a child and you sat on the edge of my bed, smoothing my hair when I just didn't want to be left alone.  I am selfishly glad we had those last few hours together - just you and me.  Us girls had to stick together with all of these boys in our family, even until the very end.

We are about to have our third baby - a girl.  I am sure you already know this.  Maybe you are even laughing at me with a knowing laugh of the joys and challenges that lay ahead of raising this girl.  I can hear you saying "I hope you have a daughter some day JUST LIKE YOU.  Then you will understand what I had to go through."  Whether she is like me, her father or most likely, her own self, I wish you could be here to enjoy her along with your other grand kids.  You would adore each of them.

I miss you mom.  I hope you know how much I love you and all you ever did for me as a mother.  You had the hardest and sometimes, most thankless, job in the world.  I wish you would have written a book on advice.  I would read it daily if you had.

Kristi

Holding on to the things that matter most

A friend of mine lost her 7 week old baby to SIDs last week.

I attended the funeral on Saturday and my heart about broke when I saw the parents of the baby standing next to the little casket.  I broke down in sobs and have been crying ever since.  I can't even imagine the horror this family is going through and how that mother's arms must ache to hold her sweet baby again.  I have faith that there is a Father in Heaven who is watching over us and that they will see and hold their baby again.  I have faith they will eventually find peace through the Savior.  But I know that doesn't take away the horror of what just happened in their lives.

All this sweet friend said to me at the funeral was how grateful she was that I had referred my OBGYN to her three years ago.  She told me that the doctor had come to her home to visit her and comfort her not two days after her baby died.

I went in for my regular check-up today and the first thing I did was thank my doctor for showing such kindness to this family.  My doctor's eyes filled with tears as she began to share experiences she had over her patients losing babies in childbirth or in situations like these.  We cried together.  I said a prayer right there thanking God that this doctor was my friend's doctor and mine for that matter.  There are some wonderful and good hearted people in the world.

I went home straight from the funeral and held onto my own babies for dear life.  I have made an extra special effort to show them the utmost kindness and patience and have showered them with kisses daily.  I cherish them more than I have ever now that the reality that life is indeed short and our days are numbered is much more apparent.

The number of lbs I have gained this pregnancy are so insignificant.
Who the president is doesn't matter to me.
How much we pay in taxes doesn't really seem important.
Any other trivial worry or concern that used to be huge don't even register in my mind right now.

All I know is I have two sweet babies and another on the way.  No matter what I do in life, they along with my husband, are what matters most and I want to cherish every moment we have together.

Halloween: Our annual theme

2012 Theme:  Cinderella
The Fairy Godmother, Cinderella, Bruno the dog, Prince Charming

2011 Theme:  Peter Pan

Wendy, Peter Pan, Tinkerbell and Captain Hook

I love Halloween.  Especially since we like to always do a family theme with our costumes.  My rule for Halloween is scary is not allowed.  No scary costumes, no scary decorations.  The kids love that we do things as a family and we always talk months in advance what our costumes will be.  The kids love trick or treating and are so excited and gracious for every piece of candy they receive.

I just wish there wasn't the candy in my house now.  I keep saying I need to go on a sugar fast.  Starting Sunday.  

Evolution of pregnancy

1st child - Food Cravings:
Me:  I would really love a blizzard from Dairy Queen.
Lance:  Ok.  It is about a 15 minute drive both ways and it may melt, and they close in 10 minutes but I will speed there for you.

2nd child - Food Cravings: 
Me:  I would really love a blizzard from Diary Queen.
Lance:  Honey, that is so far away.  How about a concrete from Foster's Freeze?  They are only three minutes away and are open late.

3rd child - Food Cravings:
Me:  I would really love a blizzard from Dairy Queen.
Lance:  Here are the keys.  Drive safely!

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1st child - Maternity clothes
Went shopping before I was even showing to buy clothes and put them on as soon as I couldn't button my pants.

2nd child - Maternity clothes
Borrowed all my maternity clothes from a friend.

3rd child - Maternity clothes
Starting 3rd trimester and still trying to fit into my regular clothes so I don't have to wear maternity clothes or go buy any.  Starting to look ridiculous though.


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1st child - Diaper bags
Carried around a heavy diaper bag with everything imaginable - wipes, diapers, change of clothes, toys, blankets, baby tylenol, until the baby was 2 years old.

2nd child -  Diaper bags
Carried around a diaper bag for the first few months and then just made sure we always had diapers and wipes in the car.

3rd child -  Diaper bags
Considering just buying a big purse.  Who needs one more thing beside the baby and a massive toddler to carry?

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Amazing how the number of children changes you as a mother.  Expectations are lower, more realistic and much more laid back.  Or maybe we are just exhausted already from the previous kids.  I am wondering if this makes subsequent babies more mellow out of necessity?

This time around

25 weeks.  About 1 1/2 weeks away from being in the 3rd trimester.  Part of me feels like I can't believe we are 1/3 of the way done. But the other part of me still can't believe I am only 25 weeks.  Feels like I should be further along.

Here are some things I have discovered this time around:

1.  It is possible to be sicker in later pregnancies.  Or maybe I am just sick with girls.  I don't remember throwing up more than once with Carsten.  Maybe five times with Elisabeth.  This time?  Almost daily until 17-18 weeks.

2.  It is possible to continue exercising when you are pregnant.   I have been running, albeit slower, not as far and stopping at least once to go to the bathroom on my routes, since I found out I was pregnant.  Along with attending spin class, a body pump class and Zumba at the gym occasionally.  My running days are pretty much over as it is getting more and more uncomfortable but I have to admit it felt great while it lasted.  I have more energy then I ever remember with any pregnancy (after the first trimester yuck-fest of course).  It isn't really changing my weight gain or body shape (see #3) but I am glad I am doing it.  Hope to keep being active in some way or another until this baby arrives.  I told y'all I was addicted to exercising.  That and candy.  Probably the other explanation for #3 below.

3.  Despite how much I exercise, my body still puts on maternal chub - everywhere.  I really want someone to explain why love handles and huge thighs are necessary for pregnancy and breastfeeding.  The belly and breasts I understand.  Along with the swollen ankles, fingers and face.    Those cute ladies that are all belly and skinny as ever?  Never gonna be me.  No matter how healthy I eat or how many miles I run.  I am round, curvy and anyone who sees me from behind will know I am with child.  The vain part of me is tempted to buy some of these so I can wear the cute, fashionable maternity clothes.  Alas, I am embracing tent-like shirts and flowy skirts and the attitude of gratitude and acceptance.  It is what it is and I would wear a muumuu for 9 months and then at least a year afterwards if I meant I had another little baby to hold.  I am 100% grateful I didn't kill myself to lose my last 10 lbs of weight before this pregnancy because I would have already gained it all back and then some.

Our little girl (did I forget to post we are having a girl?  It only took four ultrasounds to confirm but we are definitely expecting another girl) kicks are getting stronger and stronger.  I continually marvel at the whole process and miracle of it all.

Changed my mind

Remember when I said I needed a project? After watching my friend's 6 month old today for 3 hours I've changed my mind. January is going to bring with it a HUGE project that is going to rock my world. I think I will enjoy not being really busy for the next three months.

Need another "project"

I think those who know me knew this was coming. I love being at home with my kids. I love not having to work. I love the freedom it provides and that my laundry is getting done and my kids are spending quality time with me.

But honestly, it isn't enough. Doesn't saying that make me feel like a horrible LDS mom?? Yes, yes it does. But that is who I am.

Reality is I need something else in which I can use my talents. Another project if you will. Up until now I have always had jobs at church that have kept me insanely busy and happy serving, teaching, organizing, teaching, and "taking care" of others. The last few months my job has changed and I teach adult Sunday School every other week. No longer as involved as I have been over the last 10 years. And am really trying to embrace the change. . . Though not even close to being successful.

So no work, no alumni board, no involved calling, no non profit leadership position. . . Definitely floundering here. Kids are too little to have a PTO to jump into. I am at a loss.