Roots

I am really and truly ready to plant some permanent roots. Establish ourselves.

Buy one of these:

So I can have counter space to get one of these:

So we can get one of these:

(if you can't tell, this is a king-sized bed. With a dog and two kids, the few minutes when everyone piles into our queen sized bed at daybreak is short-lived and usually leaves a child in tears or a crabby mom.)

Get rid of the mismatched, chipped, cheap-o dishes that we have had since we got married 9+ years ago so I can have 8 matching place settings like these:

Because if I have to hear one more time from my husband "Well, let's wait on that until we buy a house" I think I may scream or break down crying. I am so tired of the "wait and see" part of life. I want to be able to say this is our home, this is where my kids will go to school, this is our ward. I want to say (gulp.) "I am from _________, CA." Okay, maybe not. I will always say I am from MN but I want to really believe this is our stopping place for at least the next 10 or more years.

I know nothing is certain in life but death and taxes BUT this is a woman who lived in the same house her whole life until she was 18 talking. I am craving stability and the comfort that comes with painting the walls in a house that is truly ours.

Angels round about you

I guess light heartedness is definitely not the tone of this blog lately. The Pioneer Woman, my dear blogging friend who does not know I exist but I adore her anyway, once wrote that the key to blogging is to be yourself.

Write in your own voice.

Write as if you are talking to your sister.

There you have it. I am just being my intense, emotional, passionate, sentimental self here on my blog. I don't have a sister but I do have some dear, dear friends who are pretty close to what I imagine a sister is like - minus the fighting over clothes. I feel I owe them a little time in my blogosphere.

Like Ms. A - my sassy, spiritual, ultra-fashionable friend who truly believes I am amazing and values what I have to say. To whom I can tell how I really feel about cheerleaders, despite the fact that she used to be one. The best thing is she laughs when I constantly stick my foot in my mouth. She makes me want to be a better person and I look up to like she is my big sister.

Or Mrs. R - Who calls me every day and we talk about EVERYTHING together. From our kids, to our jobs, to our insecurities, to what we are making for dinner, to late-night-sleepover-girl-kinda talk. She is as laid back as I am uptight yet somehow it works wonderfully. We grew up in similar families, joined our church as adults, and we just "get" one another. Now if that isn't a sister, I don't know what one is.

Or Miss M - My peaceful doula friend who is different from me in parenting styles but would do anything for me or my children. She loves my kiddos as much as I do. She instinctively knows when I need a friend and has weathered my emotions with class and ease. She is constantly serving others and never takes offense. EVER. I would do anything for her. She is family.

Or RACH - She tells me I am crazy town. She goes on late night runs to Dairy Queen with me. Has no qualms about sharing how she feels about me - or anyone else for that matter. She embarrasses me in movie theaters with her theatrics. Yet she makes me laugh. Constantly. She accepts others for who they are and we share a lot in common. Who else will text you at midnight to see if you have seen the latest episode of Downton Abbey so she can discuss the newest scandal? She is a kindred spirit.

Or Auntie M, Auntie J & Gramma B - Three women I met scrapbooking who instantly put their arms around this mid-western native, invited me into their homes for holidays and adopted my children as their own. We have bickered over who takes up the most space on the scrapbook table, suffered through someone's snoring at weekend retreats (not to name names but you know who are you are!!!), seen many a chick flick together, and even crashed a wedding dance once. They have accompanied me along every good and bad turn in my journey of life and I have always known I have had family in SoCal as long as they are here. I sometimes forget that they aren't my sister/aunt/mother. I feel like I have known them forever.

I have other dear friends who did not make this list but are just as special - like Schloopy, Luci, Bea, KT, Sparkey . . . I just need to get to my laundry and don't want to lose the attention of all ten of my blog followers.

Bottom line - I truly believe God meant His promise that he would be on our right hand and on our left and that His angels round about to bear us up. That is why He gave us sisters - or in my case - friends. I hope that I bear these ladies up as much as they do me.

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,

All losses are restored and sorrows end.

~William Shakespeare

Rising Above

When we were at the beach this summer, a little 4 year old girl approached Elisabeth and her BFF. The little girl wanted to only play with EB's friend, and not Elisabeth. The conversation went something like this:

Mean Girl to my daughter: "We don't want to play with YOU."

Mean Girl to Elisabeth's BFF: "Come ________. Let's not play with THAT girl."

Then the two girls went off, leaving EB alone.

Elisabeth was absolutely heartbroken. She sobbed her heart out after she was unsuccessful at getting the other girls to play with her.

I was heartbroken myself. I know things like this happen in grade school and with teenagers but with preschoolers??? Already??? I am guessing this was traumatic for her because she has brought it up two or three times afterwards. . . "Remember when that girl wouldn't play with me?"

The sad thing is I know this won't be the last time. Experiences I have had this year have proved that people will do and say things that may be hurtful well into adulthood. With her heart being just as tender as mine, I have been pondering how I can teach her to let things like this roll of her back without affecting her. I am still learning this and though I can't protect her from heart break, I am hoping to at least give her tools to rise above.

Here are three lessons I hope I can teach:

Lesson #1: Rise Above. No matter how others treat us, we need to always treat each others kindly.

Lesson #2: Friendly vs. Friends. We should be friendly to everyone. That doesn't mean that everyone needs to be our friend. And there will be people out there who will not like us, for whatever reason. Just a fact of life.

Lesson #3. Leave it Alone. I have re-read this talk over and over and over these past few months. Forgiveness is a beautiful, liberating thing.

Elisabeth and me on her first day of preschool - Sept. 12, 2011.

ONE

My baby boy is now ONE.

Like everything in my life lately, I am very emotional over the fact that he is one year old. I want him to grow, mature and experience all life has to offer. They only get better the older they get (especially when they are potty trained.) But I look back on this last year with having him as part of our family and I can't help but wish I could re-live this year over and over. I must admit there is the part of me that always wonders if I will ever have another tiny baby to hold. Did I cherish his infancy as much as I could? Will those late nights of lost sleep and baby's firsts be my last as a mother?



The way he entered the world was the most amazing experience I have had in my life. Hands down. In fact, I have wanted to have another baby from the time he was about 2 hours old. Luckily, God and Mother Nature know better but I can't WAIT to have another baby. If they are like him, I will take about five more, please.

He really brings such a gentle and sweet spirit to our home. Sure, he can pick on his sister like any other pesky brother and he has gotten a little attitude as of late (Let's face it, you need it a little spunk survive in this house. Glad he found his voice.) and boy does he get into EVERYTHING he shouldn't. But he has made the last year of our lives so much happier and full of love then we could have ever imagined.

Classic Carsten face lately. The sass is finally starting to emerge. He has a great teacher!

When we tried for 6 years to have babies, I always felt that there was this little blond boy with a kind and gentle heart that was going to join our family. Carsten is that baby. So honored to be his mother. I can already tell he is here to teach me a lot of things in life!



One word to describe him: Heaven.

Worth the money

I gave myself permission to go out and buy some new clothes once I lost ____ amount of weight.

On a whim, I decided to bypass my usual haunts - TJ Max, Downeast Basics and Old Navy, and head to the expensive mall in the area. For some reason I just wanted to not really think about how much something cost and buy it because it was stylish, made well, and fit me properly. (Which really goes against our family's frame of mind. I buy 98% of my kids clothes from 2nd hand stores or on clearance and I plan my meals around what is on sale at the grocery store.) But seriously. Don't I deserve a major treat for all my hard work? I am not talking about Armani or any of the designer labels I know nothing about but know the rich and famous wear. I just wanted to check out stores like Nordstroms, Ann Taylor Loft and JCrew. Expensive but not outrageous.

Call it a little experiment - Are expensive clothing really worth the extra cost?

I ended up coming home with this:

and this cardigan:

and this necklace:

and these hot-to-trot, you make me feel beautiful, I HEART you shoes:

I did bite my nails for a few days, dreading the reaction my husband would give when he saw the bill. So what if this one outfit drained my clothing budget for the next few months? I fell in love the moment I tried all of them on in the dressing room and there was no going back.

Let me tell you this. Nothing can compare to wearing modest, well-made clothes that are not only stylish but flattering to your body type. There is a MAJOR difference. I felt beautiful when I wore them (especially when I saw the look on my husband's face.). I know these clothes are classic and are going to last longer than one season. And more importantly, I am motivated to continue to eat right and exercise so I can always fit into these clothes. I better be able to wear them forever with the money I spent on them!

Unfortunately, I am in love with that difference. I wouldn't mind having less clothes in my closet if I could have only a few outfits that fit me this well and made me feel this good. Not that I will give up my frugal stores. I think I just want to adopt the "less is more" mantra and take my time finding clothes that fit and flatter me. Especially if I can find them on clearance.

Am I turning vain? Hmmm. . . I don't think so. I don't think I need these things to be happy or that what I wear determines who I am as a person. I rarely wear make-up, straighten my hair or get my nails done. I just like making the outside of me look like how I feel on the inside occasionally.

That is worth the money.

Weight Loss Secrets

30 lbs down, 10 more to go. Below my pre-pregnancy weight and slowly working off the last bit of weight I gained during my infertility treatments. People have asked me what my secrets are. Nothing revolutionary here. I have been consuming less and exercising more. Shocking, I know.

I focus on making lifestyle changes, eating high-protein foods and not depriving myself. I run three times a week and go to the gym twice a week. Bottom line - I make time to lose weight. I get up early to exercise and I attend Weight Watchers meetings. I think I deserve it!

Here are a few of my new food staples:

Try it with carrots and other crudites. Perfect snack.

I am not a breakfast eater but these hit the spot.

My friend Megan gave me the best tortilla soup recipe ever, chock full of veggies and topped with avocado. I don't know about you but everything tastes better with avocado. I make it almost every week. Filling. Tasty and even the kids like it.

Protein and calcium all in one little easy to eat stick. Score!

The coolest thing for me is that I am feeling GREAT. I have more energy, can get up earlier in the morning and don't really crave unhealthy food anymore.

Don't get me wrong. I still have a serious love affair with these two things:

And I do eat them. Sometimes every week. I love to treat myself when we go out to eat. The key is I just watch what I eat the rest of the week.

Forward I roll. Crossing my fingers I can drop the last of my weight by Christmas!

Simple Answers

Two of my favorite weekends of the year are General Conference weekend when we have two full days of having Lance all to ourselves, aromas of homemade caramel rolls and soup wafting through our house, and enjoying eight hours of listening to talks from the Prophet and leaders of our church that comfort my soul and inspire me to be a better person.

For reasons I can not explain, I have felt quite lost the last two weeks, plagued with self-doubt in my ability to mother my children, serve in my church, and in who I am as a person.

This weekend did not disappoint and I received simple answers to my prayers. Here are just a few:

Patience: Elder Hale talked about rising up and choose to wait upon on the Lord, saying "Thy Will be Done." He said "too often we pay for patience but we want it right now."

How ironic yet so true for me! Waiting patiently for patience. Now that is a concept! It is no wonder my three year old has frequently said the following prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father: Please bless Mama with patience.

My Path: The intermediate hymn was "I Will Go Where You Want Me to Go." The words of this song helped me to realize how to vanish my insecurities.

But if by a still, small voice He calls to paths I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Yours,
I’ll go where You want me to go.

I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord,
O’er mountain, or plain, or sea;
I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,
I’ll be what You want me to be.

Here I have been so discouraged, unsure of who I need to be and how to be a better parent and the answer has been plain and simple. So plain, I can't believe it didn't occur to me earlier.

There is no question on how I should be as a mother or as a person. So many people have told me that they just follow their own morale compass. I always wonder how they determine what is moral and what is not. I struggle to decide for myself. I am so grateful to have the Savior to look for to my compass. I know if I follow Him I will not be led astray.

This gives me peace. The type of peace that I wish I could give to all those I love. Nothing can compare to the feeling that no matter what happens in life, you are being taken care, watched over and given a clear path that you can follow to happiness.